Американский Наблюдатель (yostrov) wrote,
Американский Наблюдатель

Job Interview Jokes

Я знаю, что мои речи на английском языке вызывают смех. Но сейчас именно этого я и добиваюсь: это будет как бы выступление в Comedy Club.

1. The job search starts from resume. You have to write down about yourself the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth So Help you God find job if you really say the Whole Truth. No employers cares about you grandparents, childhood, and friends. Be professional and do not rush to discover your mistakes and weaknesses.
2. In the US I would recommend to use English language for your resume. Even if you are sure, that hiring manager knows Russian or Mandarin, English is better. Do not use any dirty word, the only exception would be technical terms which normal people may not like.
3. Dress code for the job interview is very important. You can wear shorts and flip-flops if are genius, but business suit will be better for everyone else. Do not dress to impress if you apply for position in IT in corporate office. If you have Skype video meeting and going to wear only top - do not stand up. Sorry, but I do not have advices for strippers and actors.
4. Don’t be late: traffic and bad weather are not good excuses. You have to have the real emergency or very good imagination.
5. Be ready for questions about your last job. Don’t just answer "I have a problem with authority." or “I was fired” - you have to have good explanation.
6. You have to know some basic terms. For example, a black box under your desk is a computer. Screen on the desk - monitor. If you have laptop, but don’t know what is that - you are in trouble. Device with a lot of buttons and tube - telephone. Yes, some phones are wired.
7. Do not talk too much about your hobbies and interests. Some employers would not appreciate if you party all the time or drink six pack daily. You can invite hiring manager to your golf club, but it should be really good club and should not sound like a bribery. Don’t forget: job interview is not a date!
8. Prepare answer for the question “Why should we hire you?” Use only real arguments, preferable professional. Do not loudly offer kick back 10% of your paycheck to the manager.
9. If you don’t know answer on a technical question do not redirect it back. It is better to say “I am not sure”, than do something stupid. Do not say "I hate questions like this." even if you really hate it.
10. “Do you have any questions?” is not for a trick question. Do not ask “Would you rather be...”, ask about the company or position. If you like to get a job, don’t ask very personal questions and don’t ask interviewer out.

I can give you a few examples, which lead to negative decision.

1. Why are you leaving your current job?
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes. I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you."

2. Why are you looking for a job?
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!"

3. Why do you want to work for us?
"Why not?"

4. What are your assets?
"Well, I do own a bike."

5. When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one."

6. Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement."

7. Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired."

8. What are your weaknesses?
"I am an alcoholic."

9. Do you need anything?
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night."

10. Can we run a background check on you?
“Don’t do it, please”

Номера для меня, чтоб легче запомнить

Угадайте, что это с моей рукой?

Shabbat Shalom!
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