May 16th, 2015

Uncle Sam


Случайно попалось классное резюме. Извините, перевести не смогу.

I'M YoUr GiRL!! (Atlanta)
So here it is craigslist. If you can't find me a job, I'm eating a box of Double Stuffed Oreos before I hit the trenches again.
[Spoiler (click to open)]
The basics:

- I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree and was on both the Presidents list and the Dean's list. 4.0 Senior year!

- I am part of a well- known family and can provide character references out the wazoo.

- I don't smoke or drink.

- I have a spotless driving record and you're welcome to do a background check.

- I've held tax paying jobs since I was fourteen and have never been fired or had a negative review.

- I use proper grammar and have been complimented many times on my phone voice and people skills.

- I type ridiculously fast and can operate almost any computer program given a few minutes to familiarize myself with the format.

- I'm an excellent wordsmith, though two thirty in the morning isn't the best time for me to demonstrate my fancy writing skills.

- I'm terrible with punctuation, but I'm a walking dictionary when it comes to spelling, and chances are I can edit and improve anything you

put in front of me.

- I love animals too!

What can I do? Practically anything!

- Personal Assistant/Office Assistant/Receptionist is right up my alley. I can keep you on schedule, organize your files, make appointments, pick up lunch, type letters, sort mail, do my nails! If you've got an empty office chair, I can fill it. I'm a whiz with computers and am reasonable with web pages (non html based). Need your laundry picked up? No problem! How about a tee time for golf? Done! I'll check in patients, take insurance information, and keep clients happy while they wait for your previous meeting to finish. I'm always on the ball; you won't know how you ever lived without me. I can schmooze with the best of them and have experience working for plastic surgeons (come on, you know they don't hire ugly people), real estate agents, and more.

- Need a nanny or babysitter for your children? I love kids! I was a YMCA camp counselor for three years. I have been babysitting for one family for seven years and can provide excellent references. I have a child-safe car and an impeccable driving record. I do not smoke or drink and would willingly take a drug test. Do a background check! I'm spotless! Newborns, teenagers, I can entertain any age group without sitting them down in front of the television. I love to swim, and can teach your children how. I've been certified in CPR and First Aid (still current). Light house- keeping and simple meals are part of the deal.

- How about a Professional Friend? Need someone to go shopping with you and give you an opinion on whether or not you should buy those shoes? That's what friends are for! I have interior design experience. Trust me; the pumpkin orange is definitely wrong for the living room. No more lonely lunches or movies by yourself. Whether it's laying out by the pool, or giving relationship advice, I've got it covered.

- Going out of town? Who's going to watch the dog? Who's going to water the plants? Who's going to bring in the mail and flip the lights so it looks like someone is home? I spent some time grooming dogs and have volunteered in a vet's office. I love all animals and do most of my own vet work. I rehab injuries and nurse orphaned babies. No allergies here! Special diets not a problem, medications are easy, bandage changes, walks in the park, playing at the lake is fun too. Big, small, furry, scaly, even pet rocks (hey, people who don't have pets can use house sitters too and I'm not one to discount an opportunity).

-I've got retail experience, restaurant experience, real estate experience, teaching experience, office experience, nanny experience, etc. I'm overqualified and incredibly enthusiastic. Get me out of the house! Give me a job to do and I will excel. Heck, just give me an opportunity to actually have an interview with a living breathing person.

Now for the stipulations, because I've got demands too, and I just realized how crazy I already sound so why not go all the way.

- I won't work for peanuts or on commission. Have you SEEN gas prices lately? If you're on a budget or poor and desperate you probably can't afford me but I promise to be nice about declining your offer. Benefits and insurance are completely negotiable and don't even have to exist. (To the lady who offered to let me babysit her four kids for 10 hours a day, five days a week, at a rate of $100 a week while doing all of the house- keeping, errands, and preparing three meals a day? Please share the happy pills you're taking!)

---- Location matters! Atlanta, Buckhead, Gwinnett, Duluth, Marietta, Dunwoody, Stockbridge, Stone Mountain and surrounding areas are all great. I'm not so keen on driving more than an hour to "My Place of Employment" - but make me an offer and we'll see what happens. I can be bought!

Hopefully, I at least made you laugh. If you actually HAVE a job, like I said, I'm your girl! Don't you agree?

Thank you for your time,